Janie Mo's Guide to Baby Prevention

Check out this preview of the new Lifetime special, The Pregnancy Pact: Super awesome, right? The scary thing, is that I can totally identify with those teenagers wanting babies just so they can dress them in cool outfits ("Henry" will have a bowl haircut and wear vintage clothes like that kid form The Shining). Anyway, as an older sister to a sassy 16-year-old, and someone who can barely keep a house plant alive, I got to thinking, maybe there is something to this whole protection, prevention type deal. I did some research, ladies. All your questions have been answered below. You're welcome.

Withdrawal: Ah, Coitus Interruptus. It’s cheap and the only babies you’ll be having will be of the sock or wall variety. Unless of course, your man has poor timing. Oops!

Rhythm Method: Perfect for soul night at the club, except that you don’t have rhythm to begin with. Can you even spell rhythm? I can’t.

Barrier Methods:
Female Condom, Spermicide, Diaphragm, Sponge
These methods are all from the 80’s. I don’t even know if they really exist. Have you ever actually seen a sponge? Oh, you found one? Kudos. Well let me ask you something, if you happened to capture the elusive Ivory-billed Woodpecker, would you jam that up your crotch too?

Hormonal Methods:
The Pill: The pill is great for grandmothers and their neatly organized pillboxes. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have time to sit around pill poppin’ all day or ponder when I did it last. I’m a gal on the go and I have no idea what day it is.

Depo-Provera: You will lose your fucking mind after this injection. Your toast laughs at you and the devil turns your fingers into carrots, but take comfort in knowing that your house is spotless and you’re not pregnant.

Nuva (Vaginal) Ring: Now that I know jelly bracelets can prevent pregnancy, I think being a ten-year-old would've been a lot more enjoyable.

The Patch: Ever see a hippie adorn herself with a patch depicting a baby? Didn’t think so. I see patches with butterflies in love, sunshine daydreams, and Allman Brother’s mushrooms. I see a blissful world filled with rainbow skies and cannabis clouds, where the only thing between you and heaven is curtain of cool beads… A world with no babies.

IUD: Made from copper and alien technology, this small device changes your cervical mucus decreasing the probability of fertilization, and changes the lining of the uterus preventing implantation should fertilization occur. And if that still doesn’t work, Sigourney Weaver will blast your alien baby with a grappling gun before hitting your internal self-destruct button.

Abstinence: This would be great except for the fact that there’s no sex involved.

Sterilization: Imagine a world without hunger. Now make yourself a five-course meal and throw it in the garbage, just because you can. Welcome to sterilization.